Daily Theosophy

They were crazy for the rest of their life, some shouting around, obsessed as it were, or they couldn’t stop seeing weird things that nobody else could see. But Peter always kept his self-confidence, as if something in him knew that this was his way, and the right way. Well, that is disputable of course. But probably that is what saved him.

(32)

(the covenant)

The result of his rough life was that his eyes seemed to lean back in their orbits, and that a crazy light seemed to be shining through them. Once his mother told him that she was worried about him. And he answered: “Ma, don’t worry, I am just finding myself.” In the disco he had become known as the “King of drugs and dance.” He had tried everything, and was missing no weekend. He wanted to completely lose himself, be away from the world – and he didn’t even know why. He was desperately yearning for something, looking for something, as if an invisible power urged him to do so.

What he didn’t know was the covenant existing with himself. It was recently made, but valid for many lifetimes. He had made a promise to himself before he was born – and had of course forgotten that. He had lived a number of good life times, being serious and religious, and the last time he had lived as a monk. But he died with the thought that his life had been too smooth and cowardice, and that it would have been better to experience life and fight, evoking the subcutaneous devil within himself and fight. Then he would have made real progress. Actually he had reached a crossroads in his evolution. He had always obeyed the higher powers outside him, but now the time had come to think for himself – at the cost of whatever. So the covenant he had made with himself meant that he would make quick progress, fight, go upward, even if his mind was not ready to contain his progress. He had promised ‘God’ that henceforward he would not just be his assistant, but his active helper and cooperator – though he did not completely understand yet what that would involve. And for that he needed training. And he knew he would have to face all his unsolved problems (for which he had fled) and other weaknesses of the past. ‘God,’ i.e. his wiser inner self, had warned him that perhaps he was not ready for that, and should rather choose an easy life and grow further until he would be strong enough. But this the unborn Peter had waved away. And so the agreement was sealed. Like all people, he lost consciousness of everything of the past before he incarnated into a new physical body. But that doesn’t brake the covenant made by the strong side of one’s soul.

At one time, he was already sixteen now, he was so heavy on drugs that he could no longer distinguish reality from hallucination – what could be a breaking point to fall down to hell. He was dancing and dancing and dancing, and so were hundreds of other people.

There were all girls around him, who seemed to dance for him only. He remembered in his drugged vision how Krishna had 108 girlfriends who all wanted to dance with Krishna alone. Peter now thought that he was Krishna, and that the girls were really dancing for him, and wanted to touch him, and felt that they were touching him, first two, than six, and finally 216 soft hands all caressing his body. But he was Krishna and the King of the Disco, and he did not let himself slide off. There was no need, because he had the power to satisfy all the 108 girls at the same time ! The next morning he learned that only two girls had touched him, and that he had become completely crazy. Maybe he was getting crazy, and they actually warned him to take less drugs.

His mother, grown thin with worry, had reminded him several times that he had promised to become a preacher of Christian religion. But he only answered; “I know ma. Don’t remind me of that all the time.”

The next time at the disco he had forgotten about the warning of the girls. This time he had only one girl, called Radha, and he was Krishna, the God-Lover. But this was really one girl, and they went to her home and had a ecstatic night together. He satisfied her six times that night – really – but she only complained that he couldn’t give more. There seemed no end to Peter’s path downward. Still he felt he was missing something.

At home, Peter hardly ever said a word. He had never said a word about his life style. His sister, being of his generation, scented something, but she kept her mouth shut. And his parents didn’t dare to touch the subject. Father had said to mother that she should not worry, because Peter was a child of a good Christian family, and his soul would be saved in the name of Jesus. Mother was a little bit less steady in her faith. Imagine he had fallen in the hands of the devil !

One time she took courage and said to Peter she wanted to talk with him. Peters obedient side agreed. She looked him straight in the eyes, and asked: “Please, tell me honestly what is the matter with you. We love you. We have given you everything. We are worried. He looked straight back in her eyes, not without love, but with a hinge of a cynic smile, and said: “I am dancing with the Devil.” She could hardly bear the shock, but she kept firm. He saw her shock though, and added kindly but drily. “But don’t worry. I can take care of myself.” And he himself believed what he said. She still looked him in the eyes. What she saw was terrifying. She didn’t know what she saw. She knew nothing about ‘drugs and these things’. But she saw a weirdness, pupils much larger than normal, a craziness, despair, passion – and what she regrettably overlooked – a stern self confidence below it all. She was a good and stern believing Christian, and took what he said serious.

She hid her face, and proposed that they would make something to eat. They didn’t talk about it any more.

Peter stayed home that night (that sometimes happened), and father and mother went to bed after the television news, as usual. Father slept and snored immediately. But she could not sleep. ‘The Devil,’ she thought. ‘The Devil’ She waited till she heard no more noise upstairs, which meant that Peter had gone to sleep. It was 2 at night. She woke up her husband. He was quite annoyed, because he was just dreaming of a girls thirty years younger than she. But she had to talk to him. She at least needed consolation. “Say what you have to say,” he said. She told all her worries – which he feigned not to share – and then told him what he had said and about his eyes. Father answered. “It can not be true. We are good Christians. The devil doesn’t visit our house. Peter is a test of God for us. And if it is true, and when Peter keeps going on like this, I will decide who is the devil. And I will kill him personally – in name of the Lord.” With that he turned around, and within seconds he snored again. This was no consolation for her. Her only son dancing with the devil, and her husband promising to kill him is he did. She was in a crisis.

When she had come a little bit to herself, she discussed with her husband that they should take him to the church and the minister. Maybe he could talk with Peter in the right way. And so it happened. The minister was waiting in the same old church where Peter now hadn’t been for years. Peter and his parents came in and walked towards the somewhat frail man, now some 60 years old and with a somewhat weak health. Peter was never angry. His inherent kindness had never subsided, in whatever situation he found himself. He walked slowly to the minister … and spat him right in his face. And he started to scold him, to push his shoulder, beat him even in his face and shouted: ‘You Man of God. You think you are a man of God. Here I am. The Devil in person. And I come to fight you !

Mother fainted. Father directed all her attention to her (to divert himself from what happened). The minister ran through the church, up the stairs of the organ, closed the half-door behind him and took a broken-off old organ pipe to defend himself. Never had anything like that happened in his life. He knew that God would protects him, but … having a strong organ pipe in your hand might help God a little, he thought. But Peter just walked out of the church, and behaved like nothing had happened. He didn’t talk to his parents, nor they to him.

In the mean time Peter’s disco and drugs life continued. He himself felt despair now. But there was no way out either. After the experience with ‘Radha’ he had another experience which brought another hidden side of Peter to the surface. One late night a boy he hadn’t seen before came to him, and began to talk with Peter. Instantly he liked the boy very much. It was his type, he felt. Or maybe the drugs. They talked about life and the music and the girls. But then the boy said: “Actually I don’t like girls, do you? Actually I like boys. What about you?” Peter was exceptionally shocked. The boy added: “Have you ever tried? Why don’t you come to my room?” Some struggle went on within Peter. Such a nice boy – he had stirred something within him. And after all, why not give it a try. So they went to his home. Peter felt that having sex with this boy was a much more serious thing than his earlier adventures with girls. That had all just been passion, sex, also ‘social duty’. But now he realized that for the first time he felt love. He wanted to stay with his new friend. And they became real good friends – both disco-friends and personal friends. Peter never had had so much as ‘real friends.’ Nobody had really ever understood him, and to nobody he had been able to really talk. It had all been superficial, and he had obediently played his role as ‘King of the disco.’

This event changed his life. They went still to the disco, but met each other many times privately also. Peter as well as the other boy had found something worth living for, for the first time in their lives. Peter was 17 and he was 16. They stayed together for two years. But the boy became addicted – something what Peter, despite all his craziness, had always avoided. The boy sank deeper and deeper. One day he was found on the street. Dead, by overdose.

(33)

(Peter’s turnabout)

 Peter, now nineteen, understood that life could not go on for ever like this.