Daily Theosophy

They knew Shano to have some feeling for humor and did not know much of the inner pains Shano had suffered. And without real bad intentions they decided to a practical joke. When his birthday was approaching they got a very big box. They put the present inside and wrapped it with nice paper and a happy birthday wish written on it. With this box they went to Shano’s room for the party.

(45)

(Shano’s Birthday)

Shano unwrapped the box, full of expectation, and opened the lid of the box and saw … a real pig’s head fresh from the butcher, and next to it a plate with fork and knife, and a napkin on which was written: “Have a good meal, Shano!” On the pigs head was written: “For our vegetarian – happy birthday.” Of course the boys waited in tension how Shano would react. Shano, at first, did not belief what he saw. He guessed he was dreaming. Then he thought that the head was made of some artificial material that looked quite real. But then – his heart almost stopped – it was real. What at that moment went through Shano’s feelings can not be described. He wanted to shout, beat all his friends to bleeding, cry, forgive them, hate them – his party was exploded – and he shouted that they should go out of his house immediately and never come back. They hadn’t expected such a reaction of Shano, and they were really shocked. This they had never intended. It had only been meant as a joke, and had another, real present for him in stock to give afterwards. But Shano didn’t want to see them anymore and they could not even give him the real present – which was some music he liked very much. The next few days they had hardly any contact. Shano understood that it had been meant as a joke. One of them even came to apologize, and said that nobody could understand why his reaction was so fierce. They had never seen him like that, and they also thought that being a vegetarian was not so very important to him. Shano forgave him. But inside something was broken. In his emotions. He felt emotionally dead. Something was damaged beyond repair. He had no more wish to do anything, neither to see his friends, neither to avoid them. He entered into a very deep depression. He hardly ate anything. He did not want to see anybody and had switched off his phone and door bell. Almost unnoticeable a very little green light passed through his brain, he thought. It only said: “suicide.” He immediately thought strongly of the boy who had committed suicide the day after Shano had been raped by the teacher. It had something compelling, something inviting, almost calming in it. Shano had, despite all his intimidations and humiliations never thought of suicide. It had never occurred to his mind. But suddenly the thought was there, and came back. And back. He was now thinking seriously: my life has been a failure everywhere. I am different, they said so many times. But I am not different. I am nothing. By the end of the year he would do his final examination and for that he had nothing to fear. He had gone through school without any learning problems and often with high marks. After school … After school? He had no future, he thought. He could not mean anything for anybody. No parents, no brothers, no sisters, nobody he could trust to give his love. He would not mean anything for anyone in his whole life, and he would only be a burden for his environment. His ideals would never come true anyway. Although some other voice was trying to tell him that he should again stand up, and that he might do a lot of good and lead a happy life when he would have reached adulthood, he didn’t listen to that voice. There was that strange attractiveness of being dead – of nothingness – of no more suffering, or having left every misery behind forever. Better no friends than such friends. And even a morose feeling of ‘for once and for all showing to everyone how much they had hurt him,’ hoping that this would finally make them think. It didn’t matter anymore. He himself didn’t really understand where this “invitation” to kill himself came from. Then he made up his mind. He had to think about the best way to do it. He decided for jumping off the highest building in the city. That was the surest way, and it would also be clearly noticed. It would be in the news, and no doubt the news would reach his “parents” also. He did not know that this was exactly the same way as the other boy had done it.

Outwardly nothing much had changed about Shano. He was rather silent and had avoided most contacts with the others, but he had gone to school and done things as normal. Some had come to him and told him that they were really sorry and really had not wanted to hurt him, and that they hoped that he would come back to the group. Indeed they were confident that he would, and than they would organize a good party, including eating at a vegetarian restaurant, and play all Shano’s favorite music. And they meant what they said. They also had learned something.

Shano wrote a letter to his mother. It only had a few lines: “Ma, I have always loved you and I still love you. You have done all you could. I always hoped to see you again. Maybe we meet in heaven.” Shano’s mother had always believed in “heaven” as some place where all people would go after death, but Shano himself believed nothing. He believed only in what he had learned at school, and that was chemistry and physics and biology and many other things, and all natural scientists in books as well as his teachers had told him that life, and feelings, and thinking, and consciousness were all based on chemical and physical processes in the body and especially in the brain. Which naturally meant that when your body dies, nothing remains of all these things. It was all a limited exercise of some decades what we called life, and the best thing is enjoy yourself and try to be good for others. This last past of the statement he had agreed, the other things he had taken for granted.

He dropped the letter in a letter box. Whether she ever got the letter I don’t know. May be, may be not. The next thing he did was to go to the highest building in the city. He took the lift to the highest floor. It stopped several times to let people in and out, and he greeted them friendly, as he had done his whole life. From the top floor was a staircase leading to the roof. The door to the roof was not locked. Quietly he walked to the edge of the roof. He waited about half a minute, and jumped.

(46)

(Shano’s 59 year hell)

He fell and fell …